i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
