I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
