he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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