im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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