Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
