U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize