He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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