We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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