last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
