Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
