He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
