She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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