Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
