I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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