Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
