It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
