I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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