if you like me you must not know who I am
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
