Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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