Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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