I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
