the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
