im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize