I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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