1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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