sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
