she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
