I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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