I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize