He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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