The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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