My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
