R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize