When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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