Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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