I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
