my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
