You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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