you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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