i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
