Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I died a long time ago.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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