white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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