During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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