I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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