fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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