you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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