Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
