i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
