Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
