I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
