I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Randomize
