I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
