Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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