I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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