sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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