The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
