Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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