What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
