honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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