You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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