They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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