If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
my liver is dry heaving
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
