You're so nebulous sometimes
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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