Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
