Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
