It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
