I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
