we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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