her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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