my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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