I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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